Being reliable will never check if you're okay

The bills are paid. The emails are answered. The groceries made it home and somebody remembered the birthday. If you're the reliable one, that list is how everyone decides you're fine.

It's also, if I'm honest, how I decided I was fine. For a long time.

That's the trouble with functioning. Do it long enough and it becomes the proof, for everyone else and eventually for you.

And proof is convincing. Nobody asks how you are when it's sitting right there on the counter.

Being good at carrying things gets you more to carry

Here's the part that took me years to see. Being capable doesn't make the load lighter. It makes you the obvious place to put the next thing.

Nobody is doing this on purpose. People hand things to whoever will get them done, and that's usually you. A system that runs smoothly doesn't stop to ask how the engine is doing. It just keeps running, and so do you.

When I tracked my hours and energy for a week, I expected to find that I didn't have enough time. That's not what I found. The hours went to scrolling, to email that kept going long after my day was supposed to end, and to saying yes to helping someone else at the cost of the one thing I had promised myself. Nobody asked me to push that thing back. I just did. That's what the reliable one does.

Reliability doesn't check in. That part is yours.

This is where I've landed, and I'll admit it's not the cozy version. Being reliable is a good quality. It will also never, not once, check whether you're okay. It isn't built for that. It's built to keep things moving.

So the checking in has to come from you.

I know. You do not need one more thing on the list. I, historically, would have put it on the list anyway. Possibly color-coded. I used to think a full planner was the same thing as an intentional one. I filled mine with everything for everyone and never once made room for myself in it.

But this isn't a task. It's closer to a question you've been skipping. Being capable of carrying something is not the same as being obligated to. You're allowed to notice what's already in your hands before you pick up the next thing.

Earlier this week, for National Self Awareness Day, I said something I keep coming back to. Self-awareness isn't something you do once. You don't notice, fix it, and move on. It's a practice, because your circumstances keep changing, and what you think, feel, and do every day quietly shapes everything around you.

The reliable one is usually very aware. Of the deadline, the inbox, what everyone else needs before they ask. The practice is turning some of that attention back toward yourself, and doing it more than once.

One small check, on paper

Before you write today's list, write one line above it:

How am I, actually?

Answer in a word. Tired counts. Fine counts too, as long as you actually checked.

That's it. It won't fix the week. It isn't supposed to. The point is that someone asked, and this time it was you.

A practice needs a place to happen, which is why I love the Open Day Collective Daily Notepad. You keep your list, because the list isn't going anywhere. But it also has you check in with yourself first. Every day, not just on the days you remember.

If you want someone else to ask, too

Every Sunday I send The Open Day, a short letter for people who are very good at keeping everything running. It usually ends with a question. I read every reply, which makes me, among other things, a fairly reliable pen pal. Join here.

every day. on purpose. 🖊️

Continue reading

• The pace that works until it doesn't
• Productive, depleted, and not sure how to explain it
• What nobody tells you about being good at something you never actually chose